So here I am on another night trying to hold in the tears that just won't stay back. I'm a horrible person. I wish I was one of those Mom's who said being a Mom was the best thing ever, but I just can't say it. I'm burned out. I'm tired of the girls fighting, the yelling, the crying, the bad (but not really bad) words we have to keep saying "don't say that", the disobeying, the talking back, the messes one after another, the rounds of stinky diapers, the craziness while shopping, the teasing, the sensitivity. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about. We had all of those today and then Bri left me home with the kids and went to work. I now understand why some women say they have to work. I mean, I'd much rather be at home with the kids at work, but there are some days I wish it were me going to work instead of Brian. I mean seriously, our oldest is almost 5 and I'm burned out?!!! There's still a long way to go. How am I supposed to make it? I want to be one of those Mom's who says I love being a Mom, it's the best thing ever. I thought I was a good Mom with Elizabeth. She was a great baby and I loved it. We hit about 18 months and that's when I started feeling a little of my patience go. I have never really been a patient person, but with her, I was amazed. I was amazed at how much patience I had and how I could go hours with her crying or screaming and handle it well. Now, I have probably the tiniest shred of patience left and by about 9:30 in the morning it's gone. How did I get to be such a horrible person? Or even worse, a horrible mother? I love my kids, don't get me wrong. Elizabeth is the most forgiving child, thank goodness!!!! The problem is that now she's getting old enough to remember things I say or if I yell about something or just scream 'cause I've hit my point. Yesterday I asked her to pray for me because I needed the extra help. Today she said, "remember that you asked me to pray for you?". At least I'm teaching her principles on prayer, but how sad that they have to be used on me. Caroline is so sweet. I love how I'll come home after even 10 min and she'll run up to me and hug me like I've been gone all day. It amazes me that she wants to hug me. Cooper is the happiest baby I know. He's always smiling and really, I have no qualms with him. He is near perfect. But they all were at this age. I suppose it's only time. I need to sleep. Maybe that will help.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
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6 comments:
Everyone has those days. Sometimes I have a bunch of them in a row and can't sleep at night because I feel guilty for yelling and wish I could be a better mother. I've been yelling a lot lately with Vinny out of town for work. Anyway, it will get better...at least I hope it does and my kids don't remember me as a mean mom.
shel,
you're a great mom. we can't be perfect all the time because then we will stop growing and progressing. it's amazing how much patience we thing we have, until we loose it. hang in there. i know you're tired, but with me when i'm at my breaking point, that;s when maya needs me most. i have to stop what i'm doing and play with her, even if it's just for 3 minutes. cause sometimes i realize, she's lost her patience with me. i know you can do it. just a phase. call me. i love you
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with days like that.
Michelle,
You know that I know exactly what you are going through. You seem,from an outsiders perspective,to handle it better then me. You know that you can always call me. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall all you have to do is call and I'll be there, you've got a friend! Can you believe that I came up with that on my own just now. Seriously though, I believe that every mom goes through similar moments or hundreds of moments in a day that make them question their abilities as a parent. Some days I just have to scrap and start afresh with the next. I hope that I can do better each day and that my children can see and hear an improovment. COURAGE!!!
Everyone has those overwhelming moments. That is when you need to step back and realize that you are a normal, human mother who does not have superpowers to do everything. We are here to learn and progress...not to be perfect, perfection will come in our next lifetime.
Hon, I've already yelled twice and I still have a kid in bed. Everyone does this. Well, maybe not Marie Osmond. No one can touch Marie.
You are a rockin' mommy, and I hope you know that. Really.
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